Well the last week was a week to remember. If being overjoyed with the anticipated arrival of Spring and witnessing the gorgeous signs of new birth wasn’t enough.....one more whisper of new life being fashioned and formed was about to descend and my world was on the verge of being shaken once more. It started out like any other day. I worked until about two o’clock and was not particularly agitated or stressed in any way. I did some preview viewings of a few houses with a fellow agent in my office and went home to take Max for a walk but the minute I got home I felt very overcome with emotion. Tried to shake it off and figure out what was going one with me. I just wanted to sit down and cry but couldn’t figure out what exactly was the problem. I decided to clean house, as that is always a remedy to release pent up emotions but the entire time I talked, argued and counseled myself for any number of reasons as to why I was feeling so fragile. This went on for hours, until I gave in and just sat down on the bed and cried.....and I mean cried!! I sobbed into Max’s furry neck and I know gave him the first glimpse of human distress that he has ever seen in his one year old life. His concerned look and sheepish demeanor told me that he loved me and was sorry that I was sad.
Pulled myself together and carried on, still puzzled by this overwhelming feeling of emotion that seemed to come out of nowhere. Got dinner started and when Ira came home I didn’t say anything. I think I wanted to see if he could pick up on the fact that I was not myself....but of course he didn’t and so I decided to just shake it off, have dinner and just go to bed and tomorrow would be a new day.
Well the phone rang about 8:30pm and my one and only daughter gave her usual cheery hello and asked what I was doing. Watching "Dancing With The Stars" was my teary eyed reply. She asked me to get on line as she wanted to show me something. She said to have her Dad come look too, so after a few minutes of connecting to the internet we were up and running. I’m thinking, it must be something with the new house they are remodeling, maybe a new paint color or a picture of the awnings. As I clicked on the download a very different picture came into view.
Can I convey what I felt in mere words on this page?? I don’t think I will ever be able to verbalize what happened in that moment. There before my eyes, was a sonogram of my newest grandchild......a baby lying in the womb of my little girl!!! I jumped off the chair, handed the phone to Ira and out of my mouth came a wail like cry that merged into a laugh, then back to a sob that I’ve never experienced before. My daughter who I at many times doubted whether she would ever find her true love, let alone experience childbirth, was smack dab in the middle of her dream come true and mine as well. That sob I uttered was filled with gratitude, thanksgiving, relief, joy and most importantly the anticipation of the love that she will finally know and experience for herself when she and Brian hold that dear one in their arms.
Would I have had this reaction if she was in her twenties....I’m not sure. Is it a mother/daughter thing.....again I don’t know. All I know is that something has broken this past year in my heart. We have a whole list of hopes and dreams for our children and when they don’t line up exactly as we had hoped, I think we make an emotional adjustment to support them in whatever state they are in but secretly we call out to God to give us and them the desire of our hearts. That is what this has been for so long.....a desire of the heart that God has given and I am so thankful for it. Bethany has waited, been patient, cheerful and content in whatever place she found herself in and I admire that tremendously. There might just be something special about waiting for the right events to manifest themselves into your life rather than forcing and forming something that is just not ready to happen.
As I think on these things, I realize that the same movement is going on in my life these past years. So anxious to put into motion what I think I want/need in my marriage, business ,living situation and I get very impatient with God because He seems to be so silent sometimes. Was my wail of emotion all about Bethany or was there a cry of relief to realize that God is enough!!! He has written my life on His heart and He knows every twist and turn that I am experiencing and has given me many instances to ponder on the word....Wait! I trust Him with my life and with theirs and I am starting to see a glimpse of the bigger picture and it is more than I could have hoped for. I am being constantly reminded to stop looking at the seen and lean more to the unseen. In doing that you must rely on your faith that God is a Father who loves his children and wants them to be happy. He has made me very happy this past week and given me insight into a few things I have been struggling with. Life is a tapestry that He is weaving and the finished work is beautiful.
“Weave in faith and God will find the thread.” ~Author Unknown
