It is a cold but clear morning, one day before the Thanksgiving holiday. This year our Thanksgiving get together is taking a new turn. I don’t think there have been too many of these holidays that our entire family has not been together to celebrate our many blessings around a bountiful table. This year will be a first in that several of the children will be in other places with other families and we find ourselves dealing with Ira’s sickly parents. Normally George and Nellie are tucked into their Pinehurst house by this time of year but due to so many contributing circumstances, they didn’t go this year. They have been living in Ira’s brother Chris’s guest house which seems to be a fine compromise for their situation but they don’t particularly like living down the mountain and so we are slowly finding out that when they aren’t happy, no one will be happy and life is becoming a rather large problem to be solved by someone....not sure who.
Ira has just left to take Nellie to the Watauga Medical Center for tests on her heart this morning. The doctor ordered some scans to take a look at a re-occurring problem and so the plan was for them to come to our house for a few days so that we could get them to the hospital by 7AM this morning. Seems like it would be a simple task but these people are far from simple and so it is turning into a confused and tense time for all of us.
Ira has been worried all night as he contemplates the “what if's”. George is acting like George, whining and trying to call the shots when he can contribute nothing other than to sit down and wait quietly until she returns with the results. I am battling so many different emotions which is why I felt the urge to try to express what I’m feeling through words. Successfully maneuvering this part of life requires a great deal and I am not sure Ira and I know just what to expect. When my mother passed on I was fortunate to have my sister in control and though I tried to be there when I could, she carried most of the burden, as I was living 500 miles away. In this case we are dealing with the two brothers as the third brother doesn’t count for many reasons and so is not expected to be involved in any way. The load of care and concern will and should be shared between the two boys, Ira and Chris.
As George hits 90 and Nellie 87 it is obvious that they cannot go on living independently forever. They can’t hear, can barely see and you hold your breath as they hobble through the house. It would be the time to start thinking of nursing homes but the idea is never mentioned even though they can well afford it. So what are we going to do with these aging people? Aside from all the many ailments that they seem to thrive on it is quite possible that they could go on like this for many more years. Sometimes I think dwelling on every little ache and pain and running to the doctor becomes a way of life. It more than likely is the only social life they have and so it becomes an endless schedule of appointments and tests and medications and conversation all whirling around this new life of aging.
My dilemma is gracefully handling this with Ira and realizing that his life is my life,for better or for worse. Sometimes the worse part gives you an opportunity for growth and I’m hoping that will be the case. For me putting my feelings down on paper becomes a way of looking at things objectively and coming up with some kind of answer or at least an attempt for a change in attitude.
Number one is that I don’t connect with these people, I never have. Ira’s background and family life have been something that has always been very foreign to me. George Wilson has been a very aggressive, self centered type of man and his wife plays the part of the Italian peasant woman. Their lives have been centered around their immediate concerns which were their boys, their grandson Tracy and themselves. All else was an interference and burden into their world and so early on I felt the slight as far as my life and my children were concerned. Therefore not many warm, loving feelings developed and I learned to just deal with it. Since those warm fuzzies never developed I’ve lived all these years with this family at a comfortable distance. The farther away I could be the better and so it was. Moving to N.C. became for me an escape from the crazy antics of this family but within a few years they all including both brothers moved right back on top of us.
All these years have been spent dealing with this family as politely as I could. Ira has played the middle man, as irritated as I am, but with more obligation to cope with them than I have. Now we find ourselves in this difficult place of having to show compassion,be there for them, wipe their butts if we have to and it just might be the hardest thing I have to do. How do you show that love and compassion when there never was any to begin with. Sometimes I feel I would be a better person to a stranger than to them because there wouldn’t be so much history to live out of.
As I write this, I know what the answer is. Live out of Christ which is the only way to live. He is the one that understands them, loves them and wants to care for them and my only recourse is to replace my resentful,unloving actions with His love for them. Could it be that I am going to be a nurse to them? I cringe at the very thought of it but know that it could be a reality. We will wait for the tests today to see how bad Nellie’s condition is and if it is bad news, where they will go and who will care for them. We kind of knew we would be faced with this one day and realize that the day is approaching quickly. In what place they will spend their final years only God knows. Will it involve making our lives available to them...once again only God knows. It will require laying down our lives for them and though I’m kicking and screaming all the way inwardly, I am letting God know that I’m willing.
Sometimes you just have to back off of a difficult situation and allow that perfect life of Christ to live through you realizing that your life is not your own. I have no recourse but to walk it out as gracefully as possible and hope that Ira and I will have at least a few years somewhere along the way to live in peace with no children worries, parent worries and the never ending money worries . Maybe that will never happen and we have to accept that fact as well. For today, I’ll just hit the delete button, take a deep breath and re-boot.
