ARE WE THERE YET???

Seems like I've been asking that question for some time now. We have had so many teasings the past few months. Beautiful warm weather where I would think....finally the winter is behind us and then wham, we would get hit with another round of frigid temperatures and snow but.....I think we can safely say that Spring has sprung. Last night we made it official with a picnic at Price Lake. We cooked hot dogs and roasted marshmallows so it sure did feel like a summer afternoon. Today the weather should be even better so thoughts of Watauga Lake are starting to surface.




We had an interesting Easter weekend. In reflecting on the past week and in fact the past year, God is showing me that you can make all the plans you want but He will direct your path and you better be ready to happily change directions if need be or life will not be pretty. Easter is always a very emotional time of year for me. I get very weepy and contemplative and most always experience a joyous high after the collective celebration of He Is Risen!! For many years we have been in various places with friends and family planning some sort of inspirational way of coming together for this special day. This year since all the kids were elsewhere and being back in Blowing Rock with no real church family we decided to do the sunrise service on Chimney Rock near Lake Lure. I had every detail planned out which is how I like to do things but from the moment we left, nothing went as planned. Our timing was off so we got there much later than expected. We did get a good laugh from our motel accommodations which were not what we expected and since the season hasn't quite started in the area, not too many things were open so there wasn't very much to do but drive around.



We managed to find a place to eat and concentrated on "planning" the sunrise service the next morning. The sign said that the gates opened at 5am so I set the alarm for 5am thinking we would get there around 5:30 but Ira convinced me that sunrise wasn't until 6:40 and since the weather was frigid, let's get there at 6:15. I reluctantly agreed. We arrived at 6:10 on a frosty Easter morning only to find that the gates were closed and one car after the other turning around in disappointment. They failed to let everyone know that they closed the gates at 6am. I was VERY disappointed to say the least. My best laid plans were falling apart and there we were riding around in the cold car trying to figure out what to do next. There wasn't even a place open to get a cup of coffee and of course there wasn't a coffee pot in the room! When I'm up that early...I need my coffee so we walked into a big hotel on the lake where we usually stay when finances aren't so tight and asked the clerk at the desk if we could have a cup of coffee. He was so nice and welcoming and after telling him of our dilemma with coffee in hand, he pointed us towards an out of the way park that sits on the lake with a spot on view of the rising sun. My spirit is lifting as I realize all is not lost and maybe God has a different plan in mind, so off we go to have our own Resurrection celebration complete with hot coffee, small radio for music and God's glorious landscape of mountains,lake,flowers,trees,two white geese and that beautiful sun rising in the distance.


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By now I am leaping with joy and realizing it can't get any better than this and Ira and I are in silent prayer and thanksgiving for what this all means. God spoke in my heart of the irony of all that has happened in our life this year and this little scene kind of summed it up. So many things the past few years have been twisted and turned in directions that we had never planned. I have to say that nothing has been stable. Our living situation,our friendships, our business,our finances our feelings of security in this world have all been turned upside down. We have spent so many years going with the flow that this abrupt bend in the road has not come easy and I admit that my attitude hasn't always been the best. Just when the sun was inching up over the horizon and we're sitting there on the bench with tears in our eyes, this song came on the radio by Third Day and I lost it. It speaks of losing your way on the journey and asking God to give you a revelation of what,where and how He wants to use you and though I've never been at a place of losing my faith, I can relate to the place of losing my direction or maybe it's just the turn in the road where you can't quite see what the direction is. Anyway, it did me in and confirmed to Ira once again that I'm an emotional basket case! I'm dramatic...God's dramatic in me. He always uses words and music to stir my soul. So it was a very good day and I am optimistic about what lies ahead for us.

REVELATION
by Third Day

My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain
Now I am left alone and I am broken
Trying to find my way
Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances
On roads that never seem
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying to find my way
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without you
I've got nothing without you

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding
That I am lost again
Tell me when this road will ever end

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me, when will I learn
Won't you show me where I need to go
Let me follow your lead
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

This has been an interesting week full of sunshine and snow and wind and rain and today we seem to be moving back towards more spring-like weather. Ira and I spent a wonderful Sunday afternoon hiking the trails in the Linville Gorge. We started early and had breakfast on the road at a favorite diner and then did some photo shoots along the Blue Ridge Parkway. It was just one of those days where the temperature was perfect with full sun and not a cloud in the sky. We brought along a picnic lunch even though we didn't really get hungry until much later in the day. The views were awesome and I got a few good shots to add to the album.


It was just fun to have a relaxed day enjoying this beautiful town we live in. Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the roses which is just what we did. Thank heavens for that perfect day, as the next day we were hit with a little snow event that has kept us indoors for most of the week. I'm ready for Spring at this point and also ready to get something going on the work front. Looked at a couple of closed down restaurants that we are considering but no final decision yet. I feel we are getting close but realize that God is doing something in both Ira and I as we wait for His answer and not our frantic searching for who knows what. Many in our family are in this same place so we pass on encouragement to each other daily. In the mean time we will try very hard to enjoy the journey as we leave for an overnight on Sat. to a sunrise service in another favorite spot of our ours, Lake Lure N.C. where we will give thanks to God for a risen Savior. We will climb the mountain in pitch darkness at Chimney Rock with other believers and sing praises of thanksgiving as we wait for the rising sun to appear. Last year it was over the lake and this year on a mountain top but we glory in the knowledge that He is the same yesterday, today and forever.(Hebrews 13:8)

Prayer

Pray without Ceasing
Fred Pruitt

I finally understood what Paul said, maybe, when he talked about being ''always'' praying. In my beginning days, ''prayer'' was a hard thing to do, a chore, but a means to an end I thought. Two ends, maybe. One, finding God. (That one won out.) Two, solving the world's and my problems. (Didn't have as much luck with that one.)

I can't think of a moment these days where God is not there and there is not prayer. Paul said, ''Pray without ceasing,'' and what a tall order, huh?! Ever try fulfilling that?

But these days the only life I know is prayer. Not like a church service or something, though it could be. I'm not talking about being holy joe.

I just mean that the flow of life around us spontaneously pulls God out of our depths into manifested light in the world. And I think as He is pulled out of us the Spirit groans within us with words that cannot be uttered. They are the constant undercurrent of our lives. A river of living water, which we consciously or unconsciously utter in our hearts and minds and sometimes with our mouths.

God in our beginning days is a foreign concept, a step into the unknown, an untried promise.

But our faith settles and what we sought long ago to do, ''pray without ceasing'', has become as naturally incessant as breathing, for there is no other air to breathe, save the Breath of God, no other food to eat, save the Word of God.

If we lie in the gutter, or sit on a throne, no other air, no other food.

Well, since God is All in all and everything, even down to the minutest level and up to the most vast reaches of interstellar space, is composed of and consists of HIM, I'm so glad John tells us, ''God is Love.

BIG NEWS!!!

OH JOY, OH JOY.....I finally can announce to the world that I am going to be a grandmother. We have been waiting to get through the first trimester and now that the nervous days of being careful in those first few months are solidly behind us, Jill and Eli have given us the green light to share the news with the world. To say we are excited is an understatement. I have been waiting for this moment and I hope many more to come since I resigned myself to the fact that no more babies were coming into the Wilson household....at least from me. I have to admit that the realization of that was very sad but age and the wear and tear on my body from five pregnancies had shouted loud and clear.....the reproductive years are over!! It is now time for the next generation and so it is. More to come on this blessed event as we anticipate the September arrival.
SO HAPPY!!!!





The Mother
by Robert William Service

Your children grow from you apart,
Afar and still afar;
And yet it should rejoice your heart
To see how glad they are;
In school and sport, in work and play,
And last, in wedded bliss
How others claim with joy to-day
The lips you used to kiss.

Your children distant will become,
And wide the gulf will grow;
The lips of loving will be dumb,
The trust you used to know
Will in another's heart repose,
Another's voice will cheer . . .
And you will fondle baby clothes
And brush away a tear.

But though you are estranged almost,
And often lost to view,
How you will see a little ghost
Who ran to cling to you!
Yet maybe children's children will
Caress you with a smile . . .
Grandmother love will bless you still,--
In just a little while.

Dreary,foggy March day in the mountains. It's the kind of day where you contemplate staying in bed all day reading and writing and watching old movies. It is Sunday and so I think I can get away with it but then there is the constant nagging push to get out there and make something happen. Ira and I have finally agreed to do another restaurant. I have been wanting this for so many years. I always knew that there was another one up our sleeve but his negative feelings of those hard living years have always canceled me out. Now out of necessity he is changing his mind. His timing isn't the greatest with this rotten economy but then we never do things the easy way which usually makes it that much more rewarding. Our battle seems to be finding the location. I have a vision for what I want and so far it is not forthcoming. Several weeks ago we even took a trip to Fla.to see if perhaps that perfect spot in my mind was in a warmer climate and though we had a great little vacation, we ended up back where we started. We feel more at home here in the mountains where we have lived for over 30 years and people know us and our reputation and so unless God gives us a different vision, I think we will continue our search right here. In the meantime we piddle around with Ira and Josh's car lot which is not producing much and wait for Divine direction!!

This rocky time of uncertainty is producing some interesting effects. Funny how money or the lack of it can stop you in your tracks. I feel like we are reverting to the enthusiasm of our beginning years where we were all about the excitement of living on faith that God was mapping out a new frontier. Sometimes we get too comfortable with resting on what we have accomplished instead of looking at what lies ahead. I frankly love the thought of those innocent, faith filled years of trusting God for our daily bread. We never had one thought that He wouldn't provide our every need and He never let us down. We proudly recall those times of supply and it was and always has been our testimony of this life in the Spirit. So here we are again....a few years older but really only stronger in our faith. This time our vision selfishly might include some of my adult children which makes me smile. How great would it be to have your children and grandchildren all a part of this business of my dreams. They most certainly would be more helpful than the first time around when they were children. We even have musical talent to provide the entertainment. Ben was just here for spring break and I took some shots of him and his guitar one sunny afternoon. He and Josh are the poets and music makers in the family and hopefully they will carve out a path of expression in that direction.
I love this song that Ben wrote and asked him to write some of the words to it in my journal. I find many of his songs hard to forget with beautiful melody and poetic verse.




Lord take this open mind
Lead me to finer times
Help me be all that I am.

Help me to see the lies
Read fine between the lines
Help me be all that I am.

I watch the leaves all fall
I try to catch them all

Lord make this appetite
Grow more with every bite
Feed me with all of your plans.

Help me to let you lead
See you in everything
I'll see it more in your hands.

I watch the leaves all fall
I try to catch them all
I watch the leaves all fall.

Isn't that beautiful?? I love my family and look forward to the future where we all will come into the true expression of all that we are in Him.

And The Two Shall Become One

Long time away from the blog. Life has been too heavy in so many directions that it has been hard to sit and try to put it all into words. But a very bright spot occurred on Jan.18th when Eli and Jill became man and wife. Beautiful,wonderful,glorious wedding and now the two have become one. It was a weekend in Columbus,Ohio that we will hold dear in our hearts forever. Along with all the changes our country is going through, our family is also in the midst of change and I know that God holds us in the palm of His hand and realize that "to much is given, much is required." Our blessings are many and our newest blessing is our beautiful new daughter-in-law. As I timidly tip toe into this new year I anxiously await what lies ahead. I don't think Ira and I have ever been more surrendered and that's a good thing!! Just a few pics to record the joy of the journey.

So grateful for the gift of Jesus Christ and the empowering of the Holy Spirit more than ever this year. This truly is a time to stop in our tracks and say thank you God for this gift of eternal life that you have given us. Merry Christ-mas to each and everyone.


Jacob Boehme wrote these words back in the 1,400's....true yesterday,today and forever.


''Self-will cannot comprehend anything of God. It is not in God, but external to him. If we live in Christ, the Spirit of Christ will see through us and in us. We will see and know what Christ desires.

''Christ dwelling in the soul, causes his Light to become a holy substance, a spiritual body, a true temple, in which the Holy Spirit dwells. . . . Self-hood hath not true substance in which light can be steadfast. It desireth not God's meekness.


When the Light of God first manifests itself in the Soul, it shines forth as Light from a candle, and kindles the outward Light of Reason immediately; yet it yields not itself wholly up to Reason, so as to be under the dominion of the outward man. No, the outward man beholds himself in this through-shining luster, as he doth his likeness in a looking-glass, whereby he presently learns to know himself, which is good and profitable to him and the only true life there is."

THEN AND NOW

It is a cold but clear morning, one day before the Thanksgiving holiday. This year our Thanksgiving get together is taking a new turn. I don’t think there have been too many of these holidays that our entire family has not been together to celebrate our many blessings around a bountiful table. This year will be a first in that several of the children will be in other places with other families and we find ourselves dealing with Ira’s sickly parents. Normally George and Nellie are tucked into their Pinehurst house by this time of year but due to so many contributing circumstances, they didn’t go this year. They have been living in Ira’s brother Chris’s guest house which seems to be a fine compromise for their situation but they don’t particularly like living down the mountain and so we are slowly finding out that when they aren’t happy, no one will be happy and life is becoming a rather large problem to be solved by someone....not sure who.

Ira has just left to take Nellie to the Watauga Medical Center for tests on her heart this morning. The doctor ordered some scans to take a look at a re-occurring problem and so the plan was for them to come to our house for a few days so that we could get them to the hospital by 7AM this morning. Seems like it would be a simple task but these people are far from simple and so it is turning into a confused and tense time for all of us.

Ira has been worried all night as he contemplates the “what if's”. George is acting like George, whining and trying to call the shots when he can contribute nothing other than to sit down and wait quietly until she returns with the results. I am battling so many different emotions which is why I felt the urge to try to express what I’m feeling through words. Successfully maneuvering this part of life requires a great deal and I am not sure Ira and I know just what to expect. When my mother passed on I was fortunate to have my sister in control and though I tried to be there when I could, she carried most of the burden, as I was living 500 miles away. In this case we are dealing with the two brothers as the third brother doesn’t count for many reasons and so is not expected to be involved in any way. The load of care and concern will and should be shared between the two boys, Ira and Chris.

As George hits 90 and Nellie 87 it is obvious that they cannot go on living independently forever. They can’t hear, can barely see and you hold your breath as they hobble through the house. It would be the time to start thinking of nursing homes but the idea is never mentioned even though they can well afford it. So what are we going to do with these aging people? Aside from all the many ailments that they seem to thrive on it is quite possible that they could go on like this for many more years. Sometimes I think dwelling on every little ache and pain and running to the doctor becomes a way of life. It more than likely is the only social life they have and so it becomes an endless schedule of appointments and tests and medications and conversation all whirling around this new life of aging.

My dilemma is gracefully handling this with Ira and realizing that his life is my life,for better or for worse. Sometimes the worse part gives you an opportunity for growth and I’m hoping that will be the case. For me putting my feelings down on paper becomes a way of looking at things objectively and coming up with some kind of answer or at least an attempt for a change in attitude.

Number one is that I don’t connect with these people, I never have. Ira’s background and family life have been something that has always been very foreign to me. George Wilson has been a very aggressive, self centered type of man and his wife plays the part of the Italian peasant woman. Their lives have been centered around their immediate concerns which were their boys, their grandson Tracy and themselves. All else was an interference and burden into their world and so early on I felt the slight as far as my life and my children were concerned. Therefore not many warm, loving feelings developed and I learned to just deal with it. Since those warm fuzzies never developed I’ve lived all these years with this family at a comfortable distance. The farther away I could be the better and so it was. Moving to N.C. became for me an escape from the crazy antics of this family but within a few years they all including both brothers moved right back on top of us.

All these years have been spent dealing with this family as politely as I could. Ira has played the middle man, as irritated as I am, but with more obligation to cope with them than I have. Now we find ourselves in this difficult place of having to show compassion,be there for them, wipe their butts if we have to and it just might be the hardest thing I have to do. How do you show that love and compassion when there never was any to begin with. Sometimes I feel I would be a better person to a stranger than to them because there wouldn’t be so much history to live out of.

As I write this, I know what the answer is. Live out of Christ which is the only way to live. He is the one that understands them, loves them and wants to care for them and my only recourse is to replace my resentful,unloving actions with His love for them. Could it be that I am going to be a nurse to them? I cringe at the very thought of it but know that it could be a reality. We will wait for the tests today to see how bad Nellie’s condition is and if it is bad news, where they will go and who will care for them. We kind of knew we would be faced with this one day and realize that the day is approaching quickly. In what place they will spend their final years only God knows. Will it involve making our lives available to them...once again only God knows. It will require laying down our lives for them and though I’m kicking and screaming all the way inwardly, I am letting God know that I’m willing.

Sometimes you just have to back off of a difficult situation and allow that perfect life of Christ to live through you realizing that your life is not your own. I have no recourse but to walk it out as gracefully as possible and hope that Ira and I will have at least a few years somewhere along the way to live in peace with no children worries, parent worries and the never ending money worries . Maybe that will never happen and we have to accept that fact as well. For today, I’ll just hit the delete button, take a deep breath and re-boot.

FAITH

I have been consumed this past week with the heaviness of what is going on in our world as of late and for therapeutic purposes I grabbed my pen and paper this morning to just put down in black and white what God is telling me about my future. Never in my 58 yrs. have I felt such uncertainty and anxiety about our government, our world and our ultimate survival. When you look at your savings account and take into consideration what goes out vs. what comes in, it can really give you reason to have concern. I hear the stories in the news from friends and even my own children that make me want to curl up in a ball of fear. The fear of the unknown is all it is and I flip flop back and forth between relying on what God says in his Word regarding our provision, to all the “what if's” that my mind conjures up.

Standing strong in the face of adversity is a challenge but it’s a challenge that ultimately will make you stronger in the long run. There is a verse in scripture about how awesome it is that God is mindful of man. Little old me in this great big world and God says that He has count of the hairs on my head! He knows my comings and my goings, my strengths and my weaknesses. He grieves with me and rejoices with me...and why is that... it’s because I am His child. I was birthed into the family of God and God became my Father and from that moment on something greater than my humanness took hold. I think the first thing you feel when you go through this transformation is a sense of peace. The burden of choice has been lifted. I chose Life and I trust that this Life will be the guiding force from whatever days I have been appointed on this earth. This comfort and sense of security has never let me down and I hope I have passed this on to my children but now we find ourselves at a time of life where the boat is rocking somewhat and I am needing to remind myself “from whence cometh my strength?" Of course I know that it indeed does come from the Lord.

The past two weeks we celebrated two birthdays in our family as well as the birthday of my sister. It has been a busy and happy time of love and good wishes and the assurance that we are all here for each other, no matter what. The one thing I try to stress to them all above everything else,is that your first priority is to know beyond a shadow of a doubt who you serve...God or man. We must always remember that we can never be completely autonomous beings. We will serve either God or Satan but we will never exclusively serve ourselves. So the real difficulty to our coming to know the truth about life is rooted in our wanting that which we can never have which is the desire to be the God of our own life and that is the part that keeps us in this worry and restless frustration.

I had a long conversation last night with my son about a job change. After spending so much time and money on education and climbing the corporate ladder he finds himself in a job that is stifling and very unfulfilling. He feels his talent and passion for what he has been created to do, sitting by the wayside. His inner prompt is telling him to jump into the unknown but the rational side is probably scared to death when you look around and consider all the “what if's”. A few scriptures came to mind:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns,and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.”
(Matthew 26:25-27)

And then this one which is the glue that holds it all together:

“This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose Life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice and hold fast to Him.
(Deuteronomy 30:19-20)

So I tell my kids to just hold fast. He’s got our backs and realize that when we chose Him, He BECAME our choice so it’s a win win situation. Our existence on this planet is exclusively about Life. Everything else is details and we can get seriously bogged down in the details of living. We are consumed with the physical, mental and emotional aspects of living. I get caught so often myself and it is usually my children that bring me circumstances and situations that remind me of who is in control because my only response is to remind them of who is in control.

So......another day of listening to the doom and gloom on my favorite current events show...."Morning Joe" and offering words of comfort to friends and family that call to vent about how crazy it’s all getting to be. As my favorite author William Landon says:

“If you will not come to the Father to have life you are dead. If you do come to the Father you will have the life that is real life. You will have this life for all eternity. It is a life that no one can take from you. This is a life that is even impervious of anything you have done or will do. The choice for life is the one choice that is irrevocable. It is a life that overcomes all things. This wonderful gift of life is available for the asking. There is nothing to join and there are no dues to pay or forms to fill out. If you choose to express this real life in some organizational way, that is up to you. Such organizational expressions are not required and they will not disqualify you.”

Now that is a bargain if you ask me.

TIMELESS WORDS

The Second Coming
By William Butler Yeats

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

LIVING FROM THE INSIDE OUT

It is a glorious fall day and my body is screaming to get outside and enjoy it but my Spirit is urging me to sit down and write. I have been dwelling lately on some topics that I want to discuss with myself. I kind of look at it that way....flesh against Spirit. Ever get a phrase or thought going in your mind and find that it surprisingly comes up in conversation, on the T.V. or in something you're reading? Coincidence....maybe but I usually take it as a confirmation of something I need to think about. I say an inner, OK,OK,I see it! Well,this week it has been this notion of "redefining yourself" which I know could be sparked by the dreaded fact that I am getting older and don't like what I see in the mirror. Most people don't have the luxury of picking and choosing the course of life when you're young, you just run as fast as you can to survive. The older years provide time for reflection and a chance to review the question of, "how's that working for you"?

We are bombarded these days with the uneasy feeling of concern for the future. This election that is days away will most assuredly bring a change to our country. I go back and forth with the thought of will it be a positive or negative change? I detest the feeling of living in fear of the unknown but have to admit that I wrestle with it. I'm finding the same fears apply to other parts of my life such as health,aging,finances,relationships. Can we ever get to a point in life where we can honestly say we are comfortable in our skin?? I have been thinking a lot about that lately because I don't think I've ever really been there.

My son and I had the conversation the other day about whether it is true that a person can not be photogenic. He said a photographer friend of his said there is no such thing. A good photograph is a photo of a person who is confident, relaxed and happy and I thought maybe that might be true. There is a hesitant,fearful force inside of us that is at war with the Spirit and that could be what inhibits the reflection. There is an interior life to the physical body and we must get a hold of how powerful and important it is to our well being. Many places in Scripture elude to the fact that our physical body is different from other parts of our human makeup.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Cor.4:16-18)

We have this awesome source of Life inside of us which is Spirit and is not subject to the ways of the world. I'm so glad of that, aren't you?? Living out of it is the secret of Life. The Spirit is what keeps our soul and body alive, not the other way around. When the Spirit leaves the body, you're dead! Remember the story in Luke when Jesus raised Jairus' daughter and it says, "Her Spirit returned and at once she stood up." The important thing to see here is that as Spirit beings, our physical body does not define us. The life that is real life is lived from the INSIDE. We actually are living from the inside out so being comfortable in your own skin is a time of life when you have truly,deeply tapped into God's life in you and you just relax and enjoy the ride.

The opposite which I have seen in so many disturbed people, is a sense of loneliness and despair brought on by a childlike fear of being all alone in the universe which in fact they are. They see nothing other than the decaying,decreasing and declining physical body which shouts to the mind that death is ever approaching.

I have been obsessed the past few months with the crazy,wild,creative and inspiring writers of the 1920's. I'm zipping through biography's at a fast pace. Why I'm on that tangent I don't know, but it's been interesting reading. The common thread that I see is two fold. I envy their brilliance, their talent, their passion, their carefree attitude for love and living and the ability to write what they feel but there is such a cold, irreverent attitude towards God and life beyond the day to day. I am grieved to see how so many of them go stark raving mad. Raging alcoholics,drug addicts and extremely depressed and suicidal people. I guess that is what got me thinking of this charade many people live in.

Came across this fitting little dark poem by Ogden Nash. I love poetry, dark and light. It's such a mirror of the heart.


Listen...
Ogden Nash

There is a knocking in the skull,
An endless silent shout
Of something beating on a wall,
And crying, “Let me out!”
That solitary prisoner
Will never hear reply.
No comrade in eternity
Can hear the frantic cry.
No heart can share the terror
That haunts his monstrous dark.
The light that filters through the chinks
No other eye can mark.
When flesh is linked with eager flesh,
And words run warm and full,
I think that he is loneliest then,
The captive in the skull.
Caught in a mesh of living veins,
In cell of padded bone,
He loneliest is when he pretends
That he is not alone.
We'd free the incarcerate race of man
That such a doom endures
Could only you unlock my skull,
Or I creep into yours.

God says in His word....."Come partake of the life that is real life."

la famiglia

Life is meandering along with not a whole lot of news worthy information to report. We did have an unexpected visit from Eli and Jill this past weekend which made me very happy. Great dinner at a favorite restaurant, invigorating 17 mile bike ride in Virginia, the guys got in a golf game on Sat. and a nice departure lunch and walk down memory lane in the Blowing Rock park Monday afternoon before they headed back to PA. It was a quick visit but somehow squeezing in these brief encounters is important when we become so spread out in life. It never occurred to me how difficult it would be to let go of these strong attachments you develop with your children. One by one they come to me in these adult years, in a letter, a phone conversation, even an argument that reveals the measure of the man. For me it has become a time to sit back and observe how all the delicious ingredients you have been adding to the pot all these years, has indeed produced a fine meal. I am very proud of each and every one. They all provide and give back to me a necessary ingredient that in turn is producing a finished product in my bigger picture. I never thought about it that way but it might be how it works. What you instill in someone is reflected back. It keeps you on your toes as it can be easy to forget who you are sometimes. They remind me!!

Life's Rests

John Ruskin 1819-1900

There is no music in a rest, but there is the making of music in it. In our whole life-melody the music is broken off here and there by ''rests,'' and we foolishly think we have come to the end of the tune. God sends a time of forced leisure, sickness, disappointed plans, frustrated efforts, and makes a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives, and we lament that our voices must be silent, and our part missing in the music which ever goes up to the ear of the Creator.

How does the musician read the rest? See him beat the time with unvarying count, and catch up the next note true and steady, as if no breaking place had come between.

Not without design does God write the music of our lives. But be it ours to learn the tune, and not be dismayed at the ''rests.''

They are not to be slurred over nor to be omitted, nor to destroy the melody, nor to change the keynote. If we look up, God Himself will beat the time for us. With the eye on Him, we shall strike the next note full and clear.


--John Ruskin, the greatest Victorian bar Victoria, was an artist, scientist, poet, environmentalist, philosopher, and the pre-eminent art critic of his time

DOING LIFE

"You also have to turn on the switch, nobody is going to do it for you."

Two little sentences from William Zinsser's book, On Writing Well, became the current supplied to my faulty switch plate that for years I had reasoned was operating more or less in the dimmer switch mode rather than just plain off. I knew I had the capability or maybe just desire to go full throttle but couldn't grasp the idea that perhaps the wiring wasn't even making connection. So...it was an inspiring idea. Turn the light on silly and maybe you will get the current flowing and get some clarity to what is left of your time here. Lot's of wasted years, but it's never to late to start.

OK...I wrote that in one of my many fifteen minutes of inspiration modes and when I read it today I took a big sigh and said, yeah, you did it again. I think what I'm really grappling with is purpose and feeling what Eric Liddell expressed in the movie Chariots Of Fire..."I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure."

As one of my favorite authors Dan Stone said, "Our humanity is God's asset."
I'm starting to realize that God needs us as much as we need Him and if we are going to function on the human level we must at some point come to grips with that notion or else "continue to live lives of quiet desperation." He has designed us to express Him, so why is it so difficult? It takes such a load off your mind when you realize you are only an outward expression of an inward God. I think I have this quote by Thomas Merton written in my journal at least three times, not remembering I had written it before "Esteemed friends, birds of noble lineage. I have no message to you except this: be what you are, be birds. Thus you will be your own sermon to yourselves."

The total you; the one that speaks your mind, your emotions, your hopes, your fears, needs a body and this is the only one you're going to get. So why do I cower in the corner afraid to take the leap??

I got so moved watching a show yesterday on Oprah about a woman that left her 2 yr.old daughter in her 100 degree car for 8hrs. Her mind was elsewhere that day when she switched routines with her husband who usually takes the baby to the sitter. In a scattered moment instead of going to the sitter she stopped to pick up donuts for her fellow workers and then just continued on to work, forgetting that her daughter was in the car. I only hope that God took her spirit quickly, maybe while she was asleep in those first hours. But can you imagine the grief and torment this woman has been through? I have done similar things myself and know that "there but for the grace of God go I." I've left my children standing in the rain waiting to be picked up from school because I was too consumed at the restaurant. I've lost track of my four yr.old while I was chatting on the phone with a friend, only to find him standing in the highway near our house. Yes... that's our humanness that will be ever with us and though my situations have not proven to be that tragic....they came close.

Thank God this woman is deciding to USE IT. That is all any of us can do with our lives. Stop seeing ourselves as a liability, as if there is something more that needs to happen or something we have to do to be an asset to God. What you despise about yourself can become a blessing to someone else. It is so much a mind thing to see what you feel is a lack or defect in yourself and instead see that this very thing might attract some people toward you. There were many expressions of compassion for this family, as they all could relate to this horrible experience and felt that her story was a warning signal for them to SLOW DOWN!!! A sacrifice so that others may live. I think God really does feel pleasure when we rest in Him regardless of what dips and turns He takes us through...the highs and the very,very lows. It all matters.

So I'm thinking my daily activities should follow some pattern if I'm alert enough to see it. I've gotten myself into a lull lately. On the one hand, it's a time of life for me where I am free to do anything I choose but for some reason I can't seem to put my finger on what the image of that choice looks like. I do know that when I take a breath and stop the condemning voice and turn the music on, it soothes my soul and gets me a little closer to what lies ahead. I like this from Dan Stone:

"Thank God for your humanity. Thank God for your parents even for the difficult things that you inherited from them. God used them to help make you the perfect instrument you are. Thank God for you warts because He's going to make them a blessing in someone else's life. You come to a place of inner peace, knowing that the warts..the imperfections that constitute your outer humanity are the very things that some brother,sister,boy or girl will be able to get a hold of. They'll be able to relate to that wart. And as they do, they'll receive the Life that lives in you. Take back your humanity as the dwelling place of the Most High God."

Thank God for your humanity......and who knows what will emerge!!

FOR BEN

I FOUND IT!!!
Ben has been asking me to find this moment in time for a month now and I finally found the time to go through my many,many journals and voila!! So glad I have written down our life over all these years. It really is the journey of us.

excerpt from my journal 8-2-91

Feelings of anxiety and frustration are mounting as I try to cope with these crowded living conditions and the lack of privacy I feel living next to the restaurant. The boys are restless and literally bouncing off the walls and beds. After dinner and baths I tucked Ben in his bed and fell down exhausted beside him. I hate these feelings of desperation that seem to ooze out of me and spill all over the children. I see so clearly that they absorb only what you give them. Help me Lord to let your perfect love be the love that they receive and not my tired,worn out sometimes angry emotions. I received a revelation or maybe just an overwhelming realization that I am wasting my children's life away...especially Ben. What a little sponge he is. He joyfully soaks up the beauty of life... if I would only give it to him. I absorb myself in my own thoughts and feelings and sometimes fail to see what is under my nose. I have been experimenting with story telling the past few nights. Instead of the typical book to read I've been weaving fairy tales but making them more personal and tailor made to fit each child. Oh how they love it!! The look on Ben's face last night as I spoke some magical words that painted a picture in his mind was interesting. He literally froze in mid air and seemed caught in wonder and then he did the sweetest thing....he reached over and took my head in his hands and kissed my forehead. I just lay there thinking of the opportunity I'm missing to mold a life, to expose a tiny soul to the beauty of the world. I am sorely missing it. I expose them more to my anger and frustrations than anything else. I've got to get a hold of this before it's to late. Thank you God for showing me how much it all matters.

a quote by I'm not sure who:

"A door opens in the center of our being and we seem to fall through it into immense depths which although they are infinite and are all accessible to us; all eternity seems to have become ours in this one placid and breathless contact."

THE SENSE OF LIFE

We're in the fast lane this month with many things crammed into just a few weeks. Our week in Hilton head has come and gone. Few pics here to mark the event. Four wonderful days spent with Bethany and Brian over the Labor Day weekend. Seeing my dear daughter is like embracing an old friend. As familiar and comforting as a warm hug. Gone are the feelings of judgement that parents are so easy to fall into. The ongoing urge to advise and correct,the never ending cloak of worry and fear from lack of trust that plagues a concerned mother......no more of that. There comes a time when a child reaches a stage of life where they have taken flight and are soaring on their own and you just happen at certain intervals to meet in the air! Not all of the children are at this place in life so it is a relaxing and pleasurable experience to come together with one who has. The big aide in operating out of relationship is knowing that this child is no longer your child but God's child. When you see that God has the reigns of their life, it is much easier to sit back and enjoy the journey.

So a journey it was, our week in Hilton Head. Glorious ocean,breathtaking blue skies,sandy beaches,food,laughter and fun. We even made a trip to Charleston and hit a few of our favorite spots. With every visit we get to know Bethany's love, Brian, a little better and realize what a wonderful God loving man he is. That familiar thud in my stomach came Monday morning as I realized in a few hours we would be saying goodbye. I've gotten better at letting go, God is working with me on that, but it's never easy. We slid back into the groove on Wed. as we headed back up the mountain and Ira was off to a car auction and I prepared for some dreaded medical tests that my diligent doctor insisted I take. I come from the perspective of "invincible woman" and so rarely go to the doctor. I'm never sick and truly operate out of God's life in me but forget that there is a human covering that houses this Spirit and it is subject to the elements of this atmosphere. I so don't like acknowledging that but it's true, so after five years I bit the bullet and went the whole nine yards of testing and it was a testing. Blood tests,pap smears,mammograms,colonoscopy...Yuck!! I moved into that world that is surrounded by fear and loathing. A big scare with the report of a spot on my mammogram that looked suspicious. Several other things that could be something but were not. The typical jerking around of my faith. I admit I fall for it and also admit that it is necessary to establish my foundation. Surrender is a big word that is taking on an even bigger role in my life these days. Surrender means you are not in control. It means that you have given permission for something greater or lesser to have control. I think you have to surrender to something or someone, as self-reliance is a form of independence from God which is how this whole thing got started.

"But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."(Joshua 24:15)

I call serving the Lord a good thing, so what's to worry?? A big relief came
yesterday when after the ordeal of the colonoscopy was behind me (pun intended)I was given a green light on all accounts. Through it all, God has been stirring a new business/ministry idea that deals with suffering in my heart and these events have only confirmed it. I know that when we are surrendered to the Lord we can be sure our God and Father our Comforter and Protector is always up to something and it's always for His glory which means that if I had not gotten a good report it would still be true because He says in His word,

"We know that in all things God works for our good to those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

The good, the bad and the ugly are all transformed in the Light but it's walking in the Light that is the challenge. It ain't easy!!! Sometimes the bigger issues seem easier than the small stuff. Help me God to shine as I do errands today, meet with a possible new real estate client,do yard work and clean the house. Confirm or put out the fire of yearning I have for this new business idea. I know it could just be a restlessness or the beginning of a new day so let me always be in a state of surrender to Your will and Your way.....and a little p.s...keep us all safe in this crazy world we live in!

OFF TO THE BEACH

Not much between here and there except we are getting ready to go on vacation and I'm excited!!! Leaving tomorrow for Hilton Head for a whole week and also get to be with Bethany and Brian which is what I'm most excited about. Haven't seen her in a long time and we have lot's of things planned for the weekend. Hope and pray that the weather holds out. So far it looks like we're OK but you never know with these storms in the forecast. Even so, we will do lots of laughing eating,games,cards,movies and of course be watching the big ASU/LSU game on Sunday, God willing. Eli and Jill will be front and center so please God either still the waters or give all people involved in the path of fury time to make appropriate arrangements. I don't know if it's me in my constant concern for everyone or the world is spinning at a faster speed these days but it seems there is always something brewing that spells disaster. Our faith should be the anchor that keeps us steady even when the boat is rocking so I keep that in mind as we all move in different directions. Keep us all safe Lord under your wing of protection. Packing the car up and off we go!!!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Three things there are too wonderful for me,
Four which I do not comprehend,
The way of an eagle in the air,
The way of a snake on a rock,
The way of a ship in the midst of the sea,
And the way of a man with a maid
.
proverbs 30:18-19


Today is our anniversary and so a good time to reflect on marriage and the tapestry that is being woven these past 38 yrs. It's a good thing every once in awhile to reflect. Maybe every year on the eve of 365 days of hanging on for dear life, I'll remember to take a moment and take stock of what's gone down. It can be my little ritual.

I think I just recently started to understand how complex and deep this marriage business is and what God had in mind when He said, "It's not good for man to be alone." I moved into that position at a very young age, so there has not been much time spent without my soul mate. I've always known marriage is not about the joining of two people so much as the two people becoming one but it sure has taken me a long time to totally comprehend that revelation. The past few months it started to sink in and latched on like never before. Maybe the reflection is coming on strong because we are approaching the wedding of Eli and Jill and as they begin this marriage journey, you so want to pass on any nuggets you have learned if only to warn of upcoming pitfalls; kind of like blinking your lights to oncoming cars to warn of a speed trap. I'm always very grateful of that but then I shouldn't be speeding in the first place. But we do speed and we do make mistakes and I know that that is a part of the process. While I groan, God builds. I’ve found that keeping the adventure and excitement is an important part of our relationship. Life can get a little boring at times. Same old same old so I think we are going to to something daring today and go canoe the New. We've had many wonderful memories boating and tubing down the New River, it's truly a beautiful and fun way to spend an afternoon. In the past we have always gone with friends and family but today we'll go alone...just the two of us. There are some things I want to discuss with Ira about marriage and I feel like I'll have a captive audience as it takes about 3 hrs. from start to finish. The main thing I want to share on this most hallowed day is that I see so clearly now that the relationship between what's going on with Ira and I is very similar to what's going on in my relationship with the Lord, almost like a temperature gauge. I've been feeling a little distant lately with Ira, seems like the surface stuff gets priority and our connection time always comes last. I've been feeling that with the Lord as well. I know it's not Him that moved but nevertheless I feel it. Could it be that easy when He says "draw close to me and I will draw close to you". A big part of my floundering these days is this mid-life transition. Don't like it at all!!! Thirty eight years of non-stop activity, five wild and crazy kids, four of them boys (mothers of boys will sympathize), the insane life of owning a restaurant for 21 yrs., the real estate profession, two dogs that walked the walk with us and then all of a sudden one day.......silence. Kids gone, business sold, even the dogs died and here we are two aging...which isn't fun...old farts starring at each other saying, "now what???"

I realize that this hump is a necessary part of the relationship between God and man and with each other so I'm trying patiently to stop asking the age old question of "are we there yet??" too much. I have to remind myself that this is a journey with a beginning,a middle and an end. Middle can be good. Middle can be adventurous, middle can be exciting but middle can also be scary. I found this poem written on an old piece of parchment paper, tucked in a book in an antique store years ago and bought it for 50 cents. I had it framed and gave it to Ira last year on this day. We had a beautiful anniversary dinner surrounded by all the children at Dominic's in a private little gazebo with the sun setting into the mountains. It was the first time one of the children picked up the whole tab, which is a milestone. A beautiful witness of love and relationships and the reward in my eyes of faith and perseverance . It sums up the long journey and says in short, the person we love is inevitably a cross, as well as being a helper in the carrying of the cross. We journey on together with no map and that can by frustrating at times. I want to know where I'm going, darn it!! God just whispers in my ear.....trust me, you're going to like it. I've given you on earth, a friend, a buddy,someone to make you laugh, someone to comfort you, someone to protect you, someone who will stick with you through thick and thin, someone to share the joy of the journey with, someone to love on this earth and then.....who knows when that time will come......I'll take over from that point on. Pretty good deal.

I am very blessed


TOGETHER STILL

IT HASN'T BEEN EASY TO MAKE THE CLIMB,
BUT THE WAY WAS EASED BY YOUR HAND IN MINE.

LIKE THE MOUNTAINS, OUR LIFE HAS HAD RIPPLES TOO,
ILL-HEALTH,AND WORRIES, AND PAYMENTS DUE,
WITH HAPPY PAUSES ALONG THE WAY,
A GRADUATION, A RAISE IN PAY.

AT THE FOOT OF THE SLOPE, WE WILL STOP AND REST,
LOOK BACK, IF YOU WISH, WE'VE BEEN TRULY BLESSED,
WE'VE BEEN SPARED THE GRIEF OF BEING TORN APART
BY DEATH OR DIVORCE OR A BROKEN HEART.

THE VIEW AHEAD IS ONE OF THE BEST,
JUST A LITTLE BIT FARTHER AND THEN WE CAN REST.

SUMMER DINNER ON THE FARM

Got together with some old friends last night. Beautiful evening spent laughing and eating way to much. We're always amazed to see all the progress that Steve and Lisa make on their property from month to month. We had a great time catching up. Tomorrow we're off to Atlanta for a few days for some car shopping. Hope we don't get caught in the aftermath of Hurricane Faye. We might be able to get in and out before the bad weather creeps north. You never know what to expect these days. The only thing I know for sure is that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) My comfort is in knowing that I've surrendered to the fact that God has a plan for me and I only pray that He will keep our journey filled with adventure and a happy heart. Our friendships make the journey so much more fun. We really celebrated each other last night.

THE MATCHLESS DISCOVERY

Each individual will make a matchless discovery. He will be able to cease from constantly scrutinizing the other person, judging him, condemning him, putting him in his particular place where he can gain ascendancy over him and thus doing violence to him as a person. Now he can allow the brother to exist as a completely free person, as God made him to be. His view expands and, to his amazement, for the first time he sees, shining within his brethren, the richness of God's creative glory. God did not make this person as I would have made him. He did not give him to me as a brother for me to dominate and control, but in order that I might find within him the Creator. Now the other person, in the freedom with which he was created, becomes the occasion of joy, whereas before he was only a nuisance and an affliction.

God does not will that I should fashion the other person according to the image that seems good to me, that is, in my own image; rather in his very freedom from me God made this person in His image. I can never know beforehand how God's image should appear in others. That image always manifests a completely new and unique form that comes solely form God's free and sovereign creation. To me the sight may seem strange, even ungodly. But God creates every man in the likeness of His Son, the Crucified. After all, even that image certainly looked strange and ungodly to me before I grasped it.

Strong and weak, wise and foolish, gifted or ungifted, pious or impious, the diverse individuals in the community are no longer incentives for talking and judging and condemning, and thus excuses for self-justification. They are rather cause for rejoicing in one another and serving one another.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his book Life Together