Testing Testing

 Came across this old blog!! Should I pick up where I left off 10 years ago??  Hmmmm....

The Circle Game

Such an interesting experience I had this afternoon. After spending two weeks on the road, in different places and different spaces, it was good to be back in our comfortable home in our bed and the familiar quiet of our life. Babysitting an energetic little one year old for a whole week in Florida was the highlight of the past few months but there is much truth in the fact that a grandparent can spoil them rotten by spending countless hours singing and rocking, overloading them with toys and gifts, walks to the park and sneaking in a few forbidden treats here and there and then when the time is up.....hand them back over to their parents. I was fulfilled but tired and have missed my daily five mile walks for the past two weeks as well as looking forward to getting back to my regimented eating program. It was a glorious sunshine filled day with temps in the 50's so after unpacking and putting everything back in place, my mind was on my beautiful Blue Ridge Mountain trails that I have come to love so much.

Over the past week I have been reading a new book given to me by my friend Suzanne called The Circle Maker. It's about praying circles around your biggest dreams and greatest fears. It's given me a new perspective on just what are my biggest dreams and greatest fears?? What are the things in my life that I am persistent in asking God for? I think I take that question much too lightly. There are many things that we think we want as we casually toss the requests up to the Lord for consideration but I wonder if we really believe that we want them with Holy desperation and if we really think that God can deliver.  For myself, I don't think so. I think I always tack on the "if it's God's will" so that I and God can be off the hook if it doesn't come through. God is not a genie in a bottle. Your wish is not His command, His command better be your wish so it starts with discerning what God wants and wills!!  So that thought has got me going much deeper into just what God has in store for the next half of my life.

The book says that prayers are prophecies. Who you become is determined by how you pray. Ultimately the transcript of your prayers becomes the script of your life...predictors of your spiritual life. There is a chapter in the book called Circling Jericho and it's about how for the Israelites, Jericho symbolized the fulfillment of a dream that originated with Abraham. It was the first step in claiming the Promised Land. It was the miracle they had been hoping for and waiting for their entire lives. It asks you...what is your Jericho?? What promise are you praying for? What miracle are you marching around? What dream does your life revolve around? Drawing circles starts with identifying your Jericho. You've got to define the promises God wants you to stake claim to, the miracles God wants you to believe for and the dreams God wants you to pursue. Then you need to keep circling until God gives you what He wants and He wills.   So I'm getting a lot from this book and am excited to see that spiritual glow of the Lord within igniting my heart which always means growth in my world.

So I'm off on my walk in the woods with my new selection of Michael Dulin's CD Timeless Piano Compositions downloaded on my ipod. This is going to be a great walk, I can feel it!! I do my regular routine of gathering my dog Max's collar and leash, stuff my things under the seat of the car and grab the single key that I carry from the ignition, which I know is not a good thing ,but I've never lost or misplaced it thus far so it works for me. I get Max out of the back, lock the doors and put the key in my pocket. Have done this routine for two years now and it's always gone smoothly. I'm very conscientious...checking and double checking, thinking of all the "what if's" to avoid problems and so off we go.  I was no sooner than 15 minutes  down the path when I got my ipod out of my coat pocket and by habit checked for the key. Shock of all shocks, it wasn't there. It has to be!! It's always there. Oh no!! I must have left it in the ignition or dropped it along the way.  Either way I'm in trouble, I'll have to call a locksmith or my husband or my son or the Blowing Rock Police. My beautiful walk is ruined. I was so looking forward to this. I must have looked in my two pockets a hundred times, thinking it was going to just appear as I walked on trying to decide what to do. Should I just keep going and try to enjoy the walk?  I'm starting to get so aggravated and think that I won't even enjoy it worrying about all the drama when I get back to the car. Having to sit there until someone comes to help me.

 I decide to keep going and all of a sudden the book comes to mind.I start talking to God and He starts talking to me. I think I might as well continue on and enjoy this day and words about trust and belief start to bubble up in me. I think about the prayer circles and how it says that well developed faith results in well defined prayers and well defined prayers result in a well lived life. I need an answer to the question He seems to be asking me...What do you want me to do for you?  So I thought about several different scenario's, one being that the key would just appear in my pocket and I would say..."Oh there it is, how could I not have felt it?" but that seemed too far fetched. Then I distinctly heard God say..VISUALIZE what you want. So I put my ear buds in and relaxed to some of the most beautiful music I have ever heard and enjoyed my walk and visualized in my mind the key laying in the leaves by the car.  I walked on and walked far, resisting the temptation of turning back to deal with it NOW!! The walk was tremendous, the music ethereal. I have to say I felt like I was floating. I did six miles!!

As I approach the car, I think.. well here we go. Could be a long ordeal but kept that vision clear of the key laying in the leaves. One chapter in the book says " Obviously the answer to the questions change over time. We need different dreams during different stages of life. We stake claim to different promises in different situations. It's a moving target, but you have to start somewhere. Why not right here, right now??" Well, as I hesitantly approach the car, I go to exactly where I visualized it laying on a pile of leaves and there it was. Reached down, picked it up, put Max in the car and off we go.....praising God all the way!! I really think this was a baby situation that God was using to make a point to me. I know it seems small and silly but He really spoke to me today and gave me a real life experience of how He wants us to spell out our prayers with specificity and it will eventually spell God's Glory.  I thought it would be good to share it with you.

DEFINE YOUR DREAM...CLAIM YOUR PROMISE...SPELL YOUR MIRACLE.

SCRAMBLED EGGS

Here's the thought process. I need to write on my blog. It's been so long and I just haven't felt the urge. Nothing really interesting to write about. From there my mind went to...."I need to eat an egg. I haven't eaten an egg in like a month and my body is telling me...have an egg".  I then thought how great to be so in tune with your body that it can speak to you and let you know what it needs to consume for your optimal health. It's the voice of the Holy Spirit that guides and directs your path and it is such a comforting way to live.  If I trust it and stay on track, I can be sure of success. So eggs it will be this morning. It's been like killing two birds with one stone; the mind of Christ gave me something to write about as well as making my body happy.  Interesting how that all happens. All it takes is a second or two of surrender to the nudge of Spirit to begin.  Seems like your flesh is fighting you tooth and nail. There is a moment every minute of the day where we make a choice to live out of flesh or Spirit. I have started lately to pray more earnestly for guidance in the small things rather than the big things. I'm finding I can't get through a day lately unless the Lord is holding my hand. This has been a very tough year for me.  Sometimes I'm OK, just treading water and then one day you wake up and feel like you're sinking.  I want to write about it but pride gets in the way.  I guess I don't want to admit that I could be capable of drowning. Of course I know that to drown would mean that I've disconnected and I pray that would never happen but it's a  scary feeling nonetheless.  Need to find my old Madame Guyon books on this "dark night of the soul" that I never could understand so many years ago. Frankly I never wanted to understand it because I refused to go there. As if I thought this beautiful mystic woman was behind me and I had leaped to a high place where I was invincible.  Ha!!  Who's laughing now!!?  I think there must be a very deep valley that we all must cross to reach the high places.  I've been teetering around the edges for so long and the past few years I feel like I've fallen in. Help me God to not fight it and just embrace it. I know that just like the voice of the Spirit to eat an egg for the health of my body; the push to stay low and glean all the emotions of despair are for a reason.  Sharing in the fellowship of His sufferings is a very deep topic for discussion.  How else can we relate to the crying out of the lost if not that we have tasted that pain in some way. The best person to help someone is one who has been there and come through. So I will leave you with my meditation for this day which is found in the Letters Of The Scattered Brotherhood:

"When trapped by walls of disappointment and tempted to panic by disordered thinking...calmness is the only solution for men, for the acts of Providence are so hidden it is hard to understand how delicate are the influences emanating from you..from your mind. There are great changes that come about in the darkest hours when there is no hope and the encircling gloom is terrifying to the heart and it is difficult for the human to understand the power of that moment. Calmness in the midst of chaos, serenity in the midst of feverish activity is the secret that all commanders must know.....the secret revealed in crises, that the soul that is calm with controlled emotion is performing an act of faith. The easier you play the game of fortitude the more relaxed you become to each challenge of impatience, the more you control your destiny. To do this you must remember your way back into the very center of your being...to that eternal fountain of refreshment within.  Otherwise you block, frustrate and delay what God is doing and a frantic spirit is a stupid one!!  Refuse this frantic littleness; stand and wait......and now go eat your eggs!!

Surprise,Surprise

Has it been a whole month since I've written?? This one just flew by and
makes me feel a little crazy inside thinking about how fast life is marching on. Gone are the days of looking forward to the future....now I just want time to stand still so I can appreciate every moment. Within the past few years the dimensions of my family circle have grown so much larger and there just doesn't seem to be enough time to be in all the places I need to be. One place that I was in a few weeks ago where I was able to reach out and touch all those in my circle was a surprise birthday party given by my children that will forever live in my heart and memories. I have thrown many a surprise party in my lifetime but this one was for ME and if it never happens again,which it probably won't, I'm a contented woman!!

They all conspired for many months, planning and perfecting every detail to put this together and most of all to keep me in the dark, which is a pretty hard thing to do. I usually figure these things out but I really had no clue.
The plan was to arrange a canoe trip down the New River in Ashe County where we would spend the night at a friend of my son's house. That sounded like a nice relaxing birthday. This was the big 6-0 and I really was not thrilled with making a big deal about entering a new and rather "old" decade so a canoe ride, dinner at Shatley Springs and some porch rocking sounded like a good way to spend the weekend.  Little did I know when we floated down the river and came around the bend, that all the people running down the hill screaming Happy Birthday, was for me!!

 
They got me good!!!  People I hadn't seen in years; old friends, new friends, all my children, my sister, just about everyone that has played a special part in my life. Oh my goodness!!! I was moved to tears and still am when I think about it.

First time seeing my daughter with her little baby pooch. Talk to her almost every day but to hug her neck and see that little life starting to show itself was a gift in itself. So much laughter and love and appreciation for what these children put together for their mother is beyond words. I pray that every mother gets to experience this. So many friends were there, all to wish me well and I can't even put in words how happy I was. My best friend from high school was in the crowd and when I saw her face I really fell apart.

So much joy everywhere. It really has made turning 60 not so bad. My friend Cindy brought out this beautiful birthday cake (they spelled surprise wrong) but it was so pretty and delicious that no one noticed.

Some heart felt toasts from family and friends and then it was on to lawn games, playing in the river and just visiting. They had rented two houses right next to each other, so we had the whole weekend to love up on each other. What can I say??  When I got home Sunday night I needed to go find a quiet corner of the house to just sob!!  I had been holding back so much emotion for two days and I knew it had to come out at some point. They all were now returning to their lives, the party's over and I am missing them all so much. That's enough to make me cry!!

Did I mention that the most beautiful baby boy in the world was there and I got a chance to hold and kiss my Isiah for two whole days. It just couldn't have been any better.

I can get very caught up in all the daily trials we go through each week and something like this makes you forget it all and realize how very blessed you are. God has been so good to me and has always been that strong foundation in my life. I give Him all the credit for everything that we have and for my faithful and loving husband that has stood with me almost 40 years. That love is what has produced these five wonderful children and they are now sowing the seeds for their futures. I think they are off to a good start!!

Needed To Hear This

All Progress in the Christian life is predicated upon disillusionment.

. . . the Bible does not say, "God will never give you more than you can bear."

Au contraire, God is committed to doing precisely the opposite and that is the very dilemma which so often brings us into conflict with Him and His above-the-line purposes for our lives. Nobody, it seems is exempt from this treatment. The Apostle Paul, in his writings, spells it out with chilling clarity - "For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again." (2 Cor. 1:8-10)

. . . Depression is and can only be the product of misplaced dependency. As long as we still believe ourselves to be independent selves and we do not count ourselves dead to sin, the devil has an opportunity to dwell in the mortal flesh. Burnout occurs at the point where reality does not match expectation. In any area in which we invest our creativity, passion, heart or ability to make a contribution with a view to either consciously or unconsciously derive identity, value or self-worth apart from Christ, we have entered a burnout zone.

Burnout is the divine antidote to bring a believer into full union recognition with God through love. In order to accomplish this, there must be a necessary purging of the sensory part of the soul from its attachments to that which is not God.

-- Paul Anderson-Walsh, The Bonsai Conspiracy

NEW LIFE!!

Well the last week was a week to remember. If being overjoyed with the anticipated arrival of Spring and witnessing the gorgeous signs of new birth wasn’t enough.....one more whisper of new life being fashioned and formed was about to descend and my world was on the verge of being shaken once more. It started out like any other day. I worked until about two o’clock and was not particularly agitated or stressed in any way. I did some preview viewings of a few houses with a fellow agent in my office and went home to take Max for a walk but the minute I got home I felt very overcome with emotion. Tried to shake it off and figure out what was going one with me. I just wanted to sit down and cry but couldn’t figure out what exactly was the problem. I decided to clean house, as that is always a remedy to release pent up emotions but the entire time I talked, argued and counseled myself for any number of reasons as to why I was feeling so fragile. This went on for hours, until I gave in and just sat down on the bed and cried.....and I mean cried!! I sobbed into Max’s furry neck and I know gave him the first glimpse of human distress that he has ever seen in his one year old life. His concerned look and sheepish demeanor told me that he loved me and was sorry that I was sad.

Pulled myself together and carried on, still puzzled by this overwhelming feeling of emotion that seemed to come out of nowhere. Got dinner started and when Ira came home I didn’t say anything. I think I wanted to see if he could pick up on the fact that I was not myself....but of course he didn’t and so I decided to just shake it off, have dinner and just go to bed and tomorrow would be a new day.

Well the phone rang about 8:30pm and my one and only daughter gave her usual cheery hello and asked what I was doing. Watching "Dancing With The Stars" was my teary eyed reply. She asked me to get on line as she wanted to show me something. She said to have her Dad come look too, so after a few minutes of connecting to the internet we were up and running. I’m thinking, it must be something with the new house they are remodeling, maybe a new paint color or a picture of the awnings. As I clicked on the download a very different picture came into view.

 
Can I convey what I felt in mere words on this page??  I don’t think I will ever be able to verbalize what happened in that moment. There before my eyes, was a sonogram of my newest grandchild......a baby lying in the womb of my little girl!!!  I jumped off the chair, handed the phone to Ira and out of my mouth came a wail like cry that merged into a laugh, then back to a sob that I’ve never experienced before. My daughter who I at many times doubted whether she would ever find her true love, let alone experience childbirth, was smack dab in the middle of her dream come true and mine as well. That sob I uttered was filled with gratitude, thanksgiving, relief, joy and most importantly the anticipation of the love that she will finally know and experience for herself when she and Brian hold that dear one in their arms.

Would I have had this reaction if she was in her twenties....I’m not sure. Is it a mother/daughter thing.....again I don’t know. All I know is that something has broken this past year in my heart. We have a whole list of hopes and dreams for our children and when they don’t line up exactly as we had hoped, I think we make an emotional adjustment to support them in whatever state they are in but secretly we call out to God to give us and them the desire of our hearts.  That is what this has been for so long.....a desire of the heart that God has given and I am so thankful for it.  Bethany has waited, been patient, cheerful and content in whatever place she found herself in and I admire that  tremendously. There might just be something special about waiting for the right events to manifest themselves into your life rather than forcing and forming something that is just not ready to happen.

As I think on these things, I realize that the same movement is going on in my life these past years.  So anxious to put into motion what I think I want/need in my marriage, business ,living situation and I get very impatient with God because He seems to be so silent sometimes.  Was my wail of emotion all about Bethany or was there a cry of relief to realize that  God is enough!!!  He has written my life on His heart and He knows every twist and turn that I am experiencing and has given me many instances to ponder on the word....Wait!  I trust Him with my life and with theirs and I am starting to see a glimpse of the bigger picture and it is more than I could have hoped for. I am being constantly reminded to stop looking at the seen and lean more to the unseen. In doing that you must rely on your faith that God is a Father who loves his children and wants them to be happy. He has made me very happy this past week and given me insight into a few things I have been struggling with. Life is a tapestry that He is weaving and the finished work is beautiful.


“Weave in faith and God will find the thread.”  ~Author Unknown

Spring In The Mountains

 A rainbow is a good way to get the season off to a good start and this one was a real doozy!! One of those sights where you jump off the couch and say "oh my gosh.....look at that rainbow" and then just stand there in awe until you realize time is ticking and if you don't get your camera, you will be kicking yourself!!

The weather has been incredible the past few weeks which is why my writing and reading have taken a back burner. You just want to be outside soaking up all this glorious sunshine. I feel a stronger appreciation for the blue skies this time around and I was wondering why it hit me so hard this year. As I was walking down the road the other day I almost got choked up remembering Ira and Max and I trudging down the same road a few months ago, wrapped up in hats and scarfs and gloves, fighting off the harsh winds and blinding snow coming at us full force and a shot of emotion just filled me, on this now beautiful spring day with all signs of new life and green grass and sunshine bursting forth. For some reason life becomes more meaningful when we weather the storms and come through on the other side. I've found this to be true in all walks of life. Especially in business we have always said that our success was due in part to the extreme difficulties we were able to handle in those beginning years. We looked back and knew that we had earned everything we had worked so hard for and had a sense of pride to know that we didn't give up.

So.... as much as I complained about the winter, it is now over and good times are ahead. This has been an exciting time in our family as we all came together to share in the wedding vows of Gabe and Katie on March 20th and a perfect and most beautiful wedding it was. We all participated, our family and Katie's, to make it a very memorable occasion. About 60 people came together in a beautiful beach house on Topsail Island and we witnessed the coming together of a young man and woman. Their love for each other was evident and I think we all took away a sense of how simple love can be. He loves her, she loves him and we all love them......let's celebrate!!

 Being together with my entire family for several days was an added bonus for me. It was hard to let my grandson go on that last day. He is 6 months old already and as the days tick by, I realize how fast he is growing up. I so  wish we were closer to share in all of the day to day but will have to be content to cherish these small moments of contact and hope that in the future that will change.

For now Ira and I are concentrating on establishing some kind of new business to get us through the next 20 or so years of our life. Real Estate is picking up a little, his car business is showing signs of life and there is still the nagging feeling of wanting to start another restaurant so I've got my hands and head full of idea's. One thing I've noticed is how important inspiration and encouragement are in life. Maybe not all people but I know for myself, when I get a pat on the back or a "you can do it" from someone, it becomes the green light for me. I am an idea person for sure. I have a million things spinning through my head at all times but have difficulty putting anything into action. It's a wonder we ever got the  restaurant started but we did and it became a landmark in our community so I know we have it in us to do great things. That chapter ended many years ago and since then we have entered into a sort of winter of life. Sleepy,cold,dark months of hibernation which remind me of the discontentment of this past winter. Maybe that is why it has hit me so hard this year as I am realizing that each season has it's purpose:

"He is like a tree planted by streams of water
which yields its fruit in season and whose
leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."
Psalms 1:3

Thank God that it says our leaves will not wither for I have certainly felt  the past year like we were withering and it has been a true test in our marriage to just lift each other up when things got rough.  It seems when I am down, Ira came through for me and vice versa. Thank God that we're never both down at the same time. I think that is what marriage is all about. A partnership through the good times and the bad with the knowledge that the two of you can get through anything together, knowing that someone will always have your back.

So we have two marriages in the family now and I am happy to say that I see this strong bond of support in both of these new families. I see a determined  outlook of love and support and hard work in each face and that gives me great comfort. Ira and I will celebrate 40 years in August. 40 years of faith and trust and dependency on God and each other. These new marriages are just beginning and I pray that they keep the faith and appreciate the great adventure they have undertaken......the union of a man and woman.....the marriage of body, soul and Spirit.

GABRIEL AND KATIE

THE CHAPEL OF LOVE (Dixie Cups)
 
Spring is here
The sky is blue
(whoa-whoa-whoa)
Birds all sing
As if they knew
Today's the day
They'll  say I do
And they'll never be lonely anymore
Because they're
Goin' to the chapel and they're
Gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel and they're
Gonna get married
Gee, he really loves her and they're
Gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel of love
Bells will ring
The sun will shine
(whoa-whoa-whoa)
She'll be his and
He'll be fine
They'll love until
The end of time
And they'll never be lonely anymore.

I DO

HIGHLIGHT OF THE MONTH!!!!! My one and only daughter is engaged and the heart that has been so cautious and concerned for her happiness is finally bursting with joy! It happened on Valentine's Day and I about broke my leg jumping off the bed when I received this picture on my phone and saw 38 yrs.of anticipation,hopes and dreams, gut wrenching tears of disappointment and broken hearts flash before my eyes. Finally her knight in shinning armor whom she has been dating for a few years now has asked for her hand in marriage. No exact date yet planned.

Speaking of weddings we took a much needed trip to the coast of N.C. last week to put the plans in motion for my son Gabriel and his soon to be bride Katie's upcoming wedding. It was so very good to take these few days and see and hear something other than the frozen street out my window and the sound of the snow plow roaring up Greenhill Rd. We introduced Max to the ocean which was a sight to see. We got a glimpse of the house that the wedding will take place in and also spent two nights listening to Ben's music as he played solo for the first time at a restaurant on Topsail Island. I forgot my camera and so was not able to get any pictures so you will have to take my word for it....he was awesome!!! He sang and played for almost two hours all his own music and songs which we still can't get over. He always had a knack for poetry growing up so I guess it just comes natural to him and his Dad and I were very proud to say the least.

The four of us were able to spend many hours discussing all the details of this March wedding and took notes of all the nooks and corners of the house and where everyone will sleep and visualizing the whole setup. I feel so much better now that I have a clear picture of how this will all happen. So it was a wonderful weekend..... and then we had to come home... just in time for the next snowstorm!! We barely made it to the house when we heard they were shutting roads down because of the danger of the freezing rain and several accidents on the main road from the beach to the mountains!!!!

 

 

This winter has just been very hard to handle. Haven't written much, haven't read much, haven't even listened to much music which is a sure sign in my world that something is off. The frigid weather that has descended on the whole east coast has made life very difficult. I'm sure if we lived in the big city, life would go on but here in our little mountain town when we get over a foot of snow and several bouts of ice and freezing rain.....everything stops. Granted this is unusual and I know that Spring weather is around the corner but the lack of activity and sparse money coming in from a business that is pretty much out of business has made it tough going. It's funny how the well of creativity and spontaneity seems to dry up when you are in this rut. We have been cooking more since sometimes we go for several days not being able to get out of the house and in doing so are coming up with more ideas for the future dream of the new restaurant that we always talk about. Still searching for the perfect spot but it just doesn't seem to want to appear. The two new engagements that have appeared on the horizon have been like a life line thrown to me. It makes me center on what will be rather than what is.

And so we wait. I feel very confident that something is around the corner. I am doing my best to be an encourager to my husband who is having a hard time with the waiting. I like this translation of 1Peter 5:6-7

"So be content with who you are and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you. He'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God, He is most careful with you."

I love the thought that God is "most careful with me."

DAY 10/Update

Just getting ready to cross the finish line. I remember last year that as far as you come on this fast, the last day is a hard one to do. For some reason you feel like it's over and so you tend to not be as strict with yourself on the last day. I think we went to Carraba's last year and I ordered some veggies but then when it came could only pick at them. Since I'm working all day today it's making it easier. Sipping on my juice and will maybe eat an orange today. Definitely worth all the effort. I've lost over 10lbs. and feel soooo much better. Feel healthy,cleaned and ready to start this new year off going back to my vegetarian ways and being a part of the solution rather than the problem of what's happening to our food supply in this country. Saw the film Food,Inc. and it only confirmed what I was feeling.

So as we are inching into a new month, I feel invigorated and optimistic about new opportunities and adventures that are just around the corner. Answered prayer has been abundant in the past few weeks in our family. Thank you God that you say "ask and it will be given to you". You don't specify the length of time in between but that's OK, as I know that each day brings new revelations in the bigger picture.

The weather is beyond dreary and it is very hard to even try to think of something fun to do in this pea soup fog. Thinking about bowling....or the jazz concert tonight at the Meadowbrook. A new day of eating lies ahead but for some reason I am very hesitant to jump back to where I just came from. Need to be very cautious and not let my flesh call the shots. Very grateful that God is always cheering us on to grow in body,soul and spirit. That thirst for being all that He see's in me is what keeps me motivated.

THOUGHTS ON FASTING

Well I have started this intense ten day fast once more and I want to put down some thoughts that are racing through my head before I forget. It was maybe around this time last year that I did it and for me once a year is plenty. I started yesterday and I have to say it was not easy. Gabe and Katie are also taking on the challenge but as Gabe is mad at me at the moment, I'm not sure if I'll get much support from them.
Anyway.......first day feelings:
Hesitancy
Excitement
Dread
Hunger
Headache
Missing coffee

Trying to keep busy which is hard as I'm not real busy at the moment.
Going to the health food store to get the lemons, cayenne pepper was fun. Seeing all the healthy foods got my Spirit excited about getting back on track with my eating habits. I've gotten very slack the last few months and I really need to do this for myself.Once your mind gets in control of your body it's crazy how all you think about is healthy foods. I remember drooling over pictures of tomatoes and spinach and broccoli. You start craving what is good for you.

Constant voice of the flesh that this is going to be really hard. Quit,Quit,Quit
Realizing how much of my life is spent thinking about food,preparing food,eating food and planning food for the next day. Our whole social life with friends and each other involves food and drink.

Evening was difficult.
Watching Ira make a delicious dinner doesn't help but I'm grateful that he is willing to take care of himself so I don't even have to think about it.
Missing my glass of wine.
Bored and know that being busy is very important but what can I do in the evening to be busy?? Maybe work on the script.
Taking Max for a walk in the evening helped.We love walking around the neighborhood at night. It's so quiet and no cars to worry about.
Surprised at how tired I was by 9pm
Drank my poop tea....Yuck
One day down and I will now call it a day.

Woke up with my whole body buzzing
Slept very well. Strange dreams. Dreamed that I was watching a video of pieces of my life. One scene in particular was of me in a wedding dress,veil and all
and Ira in a tux, running down a hill. We started running but were bumping into each other laughing, falling down and getting up,toppling over grabbing each other and rolling over as we descended down, laughing all the way. My thoughts as I was looking at it were Awwww..how funny and sweet. When I woke up I thought a lot about how when we get to heaven I'm sure that we will be able to look at a high tech video of our whole life and how that little snippet really does represent our life. Running the race with so many crazy,funny and heart wrenching episodes all the way. I'm sure our life will be in the Comedy section.

The part we are in right now is the pause as the next scene is being set up so I'm expecting the last chapter to be hysterical.
It's funny that Ira and I have been writing a screen play of our life and the last chapter or at least an outline has already been written. I do hope it ends that way.

A new day has begun. It's 6am and I'm starting to get that overwhelming feeling of hunger and how I can't possibly do this fast. They say day 1,2 and 4 are the hardest. I have had a few symptoms of some problems that I am believing that this fast will knock out. It very well could. As something negative is trying to take hold,your determination of the positive for health and wholeness sheds light on it and it evaporates. I know this is a good thing and I also know that the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Help me Lord.

PIONEERS, OH PIONEERS!!!

I have uttered that phrase from Walt Whitman's inspiring poem so many times during my 30+ years living here in the mountains but thought those infant days of survival were neatly tucked into past memories and then.....the winter of 2010 came creeping in and I realized with a chuckle that not much has changed in our lives in 35 yrs. Christmas came to our little corner of the world with a blast. The sixteen inches of snow wasn't enough the week before and so on Christmas morning when I faintly heard the sound of ice hitting the glass doors in the living room, I decided I better make coffee,heat up the house and gather candles because the predicted ice storm was becoming a reality. Power was out by 9am and there I sat quickly forming a plan of survival. My daughter and her fiance were already on their way from Orlando. Our tiny tree was decorated and ready for the gifts to be placed and Benjamin was soundly sleeping and oblivious to the impending danger of falling limbs that were swaying in the wind just over his room. I had the unsettling thought that if the power doesn't go back on pretty quick, we just might have a problem. Well...it didn't and in fact did not go back on for three days and thus the "Oh Pioneer,Oh Pioneer" refrain came marching in and throughout the next three days and into the next week of temperatures in the below zero range, we were able to put into practice the persevering mentality of our life here in the mountains of North Carolina.

When we moved to this little town from Michigan we really thought we were moving South. We believed all the stories of "Oh, if it snows, it melts by the afternoon", "mild winters, real mild winters". We might have gotten a clue when that first winter of 76 the public schools were closed for 8 weeks straight, or maybe the next year when we had to walk through the woods with three small children to even get into our house because the driveway was a sheet of ice or the many winters of riding a sled down to our car and then pulling groceries back up on that sled later in the day. Not to mention the hundreds of broken pipes...yes Ira could become a plumber by now if need be. Winters are tough, no doubt about it, but I thought those days were behind us when we moved to Florida for the winters. Little did I know that "life is what happens while we are making other plans". We have found our life taking a 180 degree turn and sometimes I wonder if we're going forward or backwards but throughout it all we have never let go of the Lord's hand and so we trudge on, knowing that perseverance is a quality of the Spirit that is developed.

Christmas 2009 was surely a different one. We call it the Christmas that wasn't as we all were in limbo for the entire day. The day after Christmas became our day of celebration. Bethany and Brian arrived safely and we packed up all the food and gifts and caravaned over to Gabe and Katie's cabin in the woods where a brightly lit Christmas tree and a roaring fire awaited us. The boys were jamming on piano and guitars and the smell of a turkey in the oven painted a picture of a "little house on the prairie Christmas". Bethany who is our "glass half full girl", happily sang out, "Now this is Christmas!!



A few days later as we began to make preparations for the big New Years Eve celebration, a knock on the door ushered in my Christmas gift from our absent family, Jill and Eli. A baby... in a car seat stared up at me and I quickly realized it was... My Baby!!! My baby Isiah and his giggly parents peeking from behind the bushes!! Oh my....this was turning out to be one big turn of events that I never saw coming.


Christmas was fun, New Years Eve even more fun and I'm learning through trial and error to go with the flow. If I had known what was coming down the pike this holiday season, I'm sure I would have spent countless hours worrying, fretting and trying to twist and turn situations that were out of my control. I was surrounded with love and happiness this Christmas and am very thankful for my unconventional family and my Father in heaven that continually allows life to be anything but boring.


I hope and pray that 2010 will deliver a bucket full of new situations and circumstances that will provide the opportunities for me to grow and to keep in mind the ending of the poem:

"Has the night descended?
Was the road of late so toilsome? did we stop discouraged nodding
on our way?
Yet a passing hour I yield you in your tracks to pause oblivious,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Till with sound of trumpet,
Far, far off the daybreak call--hark! how loud and clear I hear it wind,
Swift! to the head of the army!--swift! spring to your places,
Pioneers! O Pioneers!"

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

SO THANKFUL

Been very slack the past few weeks with my writing. Just never enough time and when I do find I have an extra hour or two, I tend to spend it cleaning which is the thankless task that seems to never have any finality to it. Our horse of a dog is now becoming somewhat of a problem. Either we get a bigger house on about ten acres or we resign ourselves to a life of constant aggravation,dog hairs and wear and tear on the house that an animal this large inevitably brings. What were we thinking??? But oh the other side of the coin.....the joy and love that he brings which has made me realize these past few weeks, that there are two sides of love...the agony and the ecstasy. This topic of agony or the sacrifice for the better came up several times this past weekend. It made me stop and think about how true it is that suffering is woven in our life from the moment we are born and was woven in Jesus' life as well. Much has been written on this process of purification that exists when we acknowledge that God is always stripping away the negative to make way for the positive. In this process there is a division that is inevitable. As we walk through it,we sometimes whine and complain and when it's too hard, cry out to God...Why???, but in hind sight we always see the bigger picture and thank God that we have a Father that won't let us take the easy route. He uses our life experiences to perfect us and form us day by day,moment by moment into what we are suppose to look like in the Spirit.

This Thanksgiving 2009 was probably one of the best gatherings that we have had in a long time. I'm not sure why, as we always have our large family together with a ton of delicious food but for some reason this year it just flowed at an easier pace and of course I can't put enough emphasis on the fact that our new baby grandson was a part of the picture....a very big part.












Ira's parents were here and the children especially enjoyed interacting with them. George going on 92 and Nellie 87 were in rare form, both looking and feeling good. Eli made the comment that a very rewarding time this weekend was spent having conversation with his grandfather and that George seems so different in his old age; much kinder,more interested in wanting to know what was going on in his life and eager to share stories of his long journey in this world. His comment was "it's too bad he wasn't that kind of grandfather while we were growing up." I noticed Ira staring off into space and I knew what he was thinking...what kind of father have I been and will my children have those same thoughts about me? I thought to myself, do the mistakes of our youth come back to haunt us and are they the sacrifices that we carry to perfect the future? I could feel that very moment that Ira was taking mental note of the kind of grandfather that he wants to be to Isiah and I know that Eli is doing many things different in his role as father than he experienced from Ira, in hopes of perfecting his image of a good father. So it seems each generation carry's some kind of a load to better the next.



In Scripture it says that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus so as long as we are living by the Spirit of God we can at least know that God uses our mistakes for the good.....always for others. The task now at hand involves recognizing the old, impure part of us and grasping the revelation of the perfect. As Norman Grubb many times said, "you have to know who you aren't in order to know who you are." I have to give my mother credit......she was a great grandmother to my kids. Not so much as a mother to me but then maybe she finally got her revelation of unconditional love by the time my kids came along. I've had my share of sacrifice as well and I hope that all the pain I carried as a child has made a difference and is perfecting our ongoing generations. I guess we will never get it absolutely perfect until we sit as children in the Father's house in heaven and finally see the "big picture!"



So for now I am sitting back with a big smile on my face as I look at this picture of a family.......it is my family with all it's wonderful imperfections that are being LIVED out, day by day. I hope we all won't be too hard on each other as we move through life and realize that love is the glue that holds it all together and we do love each other more than words can express.

Answered Prayers

In so many areas I am giving thanks these past few weeks. It seems like God hears my never ending pleas for this and that but rarely the overflowing song of thanksgiving. I have indeed been jumping up and down with happiness for how the Lord worked out my son's employment,moving,new baby,selling their house and starting life up in a new city all in the knick of time!! Does it seem like sometimes God pushes us in this corner of uncertainty maybe as a testing? All I know is that I did not pass the test with flying colors as I spent many months,days,hours WORRYING and honestly had my doubts at time if it would all work out. Of course when it does and it always does, I am terribly convicted with my lack of faith. He has never,ever forsaken me,let me down in any area of my life but still I allow the unknown to frighten me and steal my peace. So... lessons learned and life goes on.



Through all these recent bumps in the road another big step of growth is with my husband. Talk about patience and waiting......I have been waiting for us to be One in Christ for 33 yrs and all of a sudden one day it happened. I heard words I've never heard from him. He has always been a believer but he never understood the surrendered life and so most of our lives he has been very self absorbed. He couldn't grasp what it means to be crucified in Christ. Your life at that point is not your own, it is God living through you and the flesh fights hard for that control. Yes it is true that many people have to go through some difficult situations to come to this knowledge but it's only because you have to get yourself into a position where you give up trying to be something or somebody outside of God. It is especially hard on confident,capable, control freaks and that is where he was living. So.....a few things have happened 33 yrs. later to bring him down a notch and my prayers were finally answered. This has all happened within the last few months so I know there will be much more to this story but I am giddy with excitement for the first time in my life to be able to share my love of God with my husband and for me to know that God is preparing something for us to do as a team to reflect that love. I will share that story as it unfolds because I think it will be a great testimony to the business minded person out there that feel like they love God but do not see the abiding as a first priority. Bottom line is there is no life unless He abides in you....it's just a front that will eventually come falling down.


On top of all these blessings there still was one more and that was when Gabe and Katie announced their engagement. Another new member of the family, another daughter to love and the hope of more babies!!!! Our family is going to be HUGE before long and I love it!








Ben had his 22 birthday on the 6th and Josh's 35 yrs. on the 12th so there has been much celebrating in our house the past few weeks. Now we look forward to a true day of thanksgiving coming up and everyone is coming home to the mountains for this wonderful time of year. Can't wait to see my new baby boy Isiah who over the past 6wks. has turned into a little man. I've never seen him in person with his eyes open, so I'm in for a treat. We're all just so excited to just be together. God is good!!

Waiting

These Fall days are going by so fast I can hardly keep up. Much activity this past month. What was once quiet and slow paced is now full of noise and motion. Seems like there is always someone sleeping on a couch or in spare beds and my house is starting to resemble a familiar memory......dog hairs,dirt and too much laundry. We have been invaded...but it's a good kind of invasion. Loved ones that have come home to roost for awhile,visitors and of course the lovable new member of the family Max who is providing his own kind of commotion that I never anticipated. He is so big and so full of energy it's scary. We adore him but realize that exercise and discipline are going to be VERY important. I am trying very hard to follow Ceasar the Dog Whisperer's advise but with a puppy you must also carry a good dose of patience. He is six months old so I can't expect too much to soon.

I am getting regular pictures of my other new baby Isiah almost daily from his mom and dad. He is three weeks old now and I'm sure giving his parents a chance to hone up on their patience quota.



So patience and waiting are the words this week that are giving me something to think about. My mother use to tell me that she thought I had a lot of it but sometimes I wonder. I need to look this up in Scripture because there is much written on the subject so it must be an important part of our makeup. My heartfelt request these past few months is having the patience to wait. It seems like everyone in my family is at a point of surrender to the unknown. There is a quiet confidence that God is in control but there is still a restless soul that wavers between hope and despair. I know that God has us at this place to fine tune His life in us and I feel secure in the knowledge that His ways are above our earthly ways but the waiting for His plan to be revealed is starting to take it's toil. I lay in bed at night and worry for all of my children. They are in the infant stages of carving out their future and this world is not as kind as it was thirty years ago for us. It feels like the boundaries are closing in and there are fewer options these days to take chances. I feel this even for myself. Our whole life has been about taking chances and never thinking twice that we were not going to succeed. So why are we now at such an uncertain place in life? Our tomorrows feel like a pleasant dream that we wake up from and realize that it was in fact a dream and we are living the nightmare. It seems like there is so much at stake at this place in our life. Your life depends on the choices you make so I plead with my children to make the right choice. To me the only choice is living out of God's life and believing that all things will work for your good when you are crucified in Christ. Unshakable faith that we cannot yet see what we will be....that part comes in another time and in another place. The proper collaboration between God and us for living is this: God does the living and we let Him.

We need to fall flat on our faces every now and then, to suffer the consequences of making a bad choice, to be afraid or unsure of the future. Bottom line is we need to be perfected in our salvation. This is how God drives us away from a soul-oriented way of living into a Spirit-oriented way of living. Living from the Spirit is a strategy for success. I remember always shouting out the door to family members as they would go off into the day, "walk in the Spirit" and they would smile and shake their heads like I was a little wacky but it's the truth and I still remind them of that truth. As they now face their own mountains in life and I am not there for those everyday conversations, I pray that they have God's truth ingrained upon their hearts.

So on this day I am on my knees for one of my boys as he goes for a very important interview that could determine his future ability to provide for his family. He has been through a tough year and I am wide eyed in seeing him handle it all with such grace. I am so use to being a part of solving problems, trying to make life easier for them all, interceding so that they don't have to suffer and this week I got the reprimand from God that this is not my job anymore. I felt so far removed from all that he was going through and realized there was nothing I could do about any of it anyway so all I could do was pray and that I did. Now it's between him and God and all the years of training him up in the Lord.

"One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God."
— Oswald Chambers

And so I wait.